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What Republicans Ought To Be Saying: ‘Puter Pens A Platform

Editor’s note: This was originally published at The Ancient & Noble Order of The Gormogons.

 

“Americans like hats, especially hats that say things. I will get the yuuuugest, classiest, most luxurious hat with the most words I can find, because I am Donald J. Trump. I’m a brilliant self-promoter, so I will then say profoundly simplistic and dumb-ass things that play to conservative grievances. America will then elect me president, because I’m a classy huckster in a luxurious hat who strokes their yuuuuuuge egos. My plan is genius, classy and foolproof.”

 

‘Puter’s tired of the Donald Trump Experience.* ‘Puter’s even more tired of media pretending Trump’s off-the-cuff ramblings are indicative of conservative ideology. ‘Puter’s most tired of the internecine, juvenile squabbling between the “Trump now, Trump tomorrow, Trump forever” and the sane portion of the Republican party.

So, in order to maintain his sanity, here’s a quick list of what responsible candidates should be saying on various issues.


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