New Environmental Program Leading The Pack In Upcoming Pollution Reduction Bill

Wed, 12/23/2009 - 1:09pm | posted by Brett Bittner

Nipping at the heels of the Copenhagen Climate Summit, the smashing success of this summer’s “Cash for Clunkers” program, and this story about the carbon pawprints of pet dogs, it appears that in order to help reduce America’s CO2 emissions, there is a new provision to be added to the upcoming pollution reduction bill. This provision will incentivize working class families to rid themselves of the burden of having to care for a family pet, lessen their impact on the environment, and provide new green jobs for thousands of Americans. To encourage Americans to participate in the aptly-titled “Buck$$$ for Barker$$$” program, canine activity cessation centers will be set up nationwide, staffed with caring and compassionate federal employees, to assist Americans in doing their part to save our planet. Payment for qualifying pets will be made in the form of pre-paid debit cards conveniently loaded with $450 or will be applied toward the one-time purchase of 90 male betta and one large fishbowl.

Bucks for Barkers Propaganda

To participate in this ground-breaking initiative

Take your qualifying “barker,” classified as any domesticated canine with one, two or four legs, to the cessation centers located in your state’s least populated county or parish. (At this time, research about the CO2 emissions of three-legged dogs are pending final review. Upon final analysis, they may be eligible for this program. Pending the results of that analysis, all tri-limbed canine pets are mandated to be kept alive and be subject to an immediate and annual $500 participation levy.)
If you own a Basenji or any other barkless dog, you are eligible for an additional $100 credit to your debit card or betta purchase. Don’t worry, your dog is still eligible for the Buck$$$ for Barker$$$ program, even if he or she may in fact not “bark.”
The newly-formed Department of Domesticated Animal Welfare and Bubble Gum Machine Repair (DDAWBGMR)will be hiring 1.5 million people to work the 72 hour “commitment period” at the cessation centers. After the initial commitment period, these employees will stay on in educational roles, teaching our schoolchildren about the environmental dangers of canine companionship.
Following a visit to a cessation center, four (4) hour-long counseling sessions for each family member are required to release a cessation certificate from the DDAWBGMR to the freed owner.
A cessation certificate will be produced to act as a waiver for the canine companionship participation levy.

For those who do not participate in the Buck$$$ for Barker$$$ program but will continue canine companionship, there are a few things to note about its effect on you

Any canine fetus in utero that results in the live birth of a puppy will be subject to a cuteness participation levy that is equal to .5% of your annual income. While subsidies to assist in the payment of procedures to prevent this case are not covered by the initiative, a completed and approved RUFNSRS-755 form will result in the payment via check to the owner’s uncle’s brother’s best friend, who is bound by said relationship to pass those funds, in the amount of $350 per liquidated progeny, on to the owner.
During whelping, all puppies that begin a term of canine activity will be outfitted with a convenient RFID tag to provide scientific tracking and CO2 emission data to scientists at NASA.
The participation levy for your pet is determined by his or her age at the commencement of this legislation until his or her cessation, without decline as it advances to lower-tiered levy brackets.
All dogs up to and including 14 years of age, as determined by the canine calendar, will be subject to an annual participation levy of $600.
All dogs that are greater than 14 years and up to and including 49 years, per the canine calendar, will be subject to an annual participation levy of $400.
All dogs that are greater than 49 years and up to and including 84 years, per the canine calendar, will be subject to an annual participation levy of $300.
All dogs that are greater than 84 years, per the canine calendar, will be subject to an annual participation levy of $200.

If you do not participate in canine companionship, you should also be mindful of the following

Proof that you do not currently and have not in the past 21 years, per the canine calendar, housed a canine companion will be required in lieu of a cessation certificate to be exempt from the participation levy.
A 30-minute counseling session will be made available to you at no cost to discuss the lack of canine companionship during your life.

To round out the program, as part of his community service for the welfare of animals, Michael Vick is the new Secretary of Domesticated Animal Welfare. Also, Cesar Milan will be join the administration as the czar of dog whispering as a result of this new provision.

***Note: This story was completely made up after I read the article on Yahoo! News about the carbon footprint produced by dogs. Almost immediately, I put on my “Congressman hat” and created the idea for a bill based on solving this “crisis.” I do not wish to harm dogs in any way, and all the things contained within this post were intended to make you laugh. I love snark and sarcasm almost as much as my two sweet canine companions, and I thought I would share my love of snark with you before we take a break for the Christmas holiday.