How Pure Is Your Congressman?
On this week’s podcast, we discussed the resolution drawn up by members of the Republican National Committee to “re-establish the party’s conservative bona fides.” Believe it or not, there are some who think I do not pick on Republicans enough, so I thought I would channel my inner xenophobic, pro-war, and socially intolerant Republican and jokingly insert the subtext I infer from their statements.
- We support smaller government, smaller national debt, lower deficits and lower taxes by opposing bills like Obama’s “stimulus” bill
When Democrats are in charge, we can no longer expand the size, scope, and power of the federal government in the ways that we want to, so we have decided to feign support for smaller government to keep those “tea baggers” from throwing us out of office. Remember the TARP bailout? Our guy signed that into law. Obama is a pretty easy and identifiable target, so we included invoking his name every time we talk about the stimulus bill that we would have written differently but still passed, had a Republican Congress and executive been in place in the time of need.
- We support market-based health care reform and oppose Obama-style government run healthcare
Since the Democrats proposed massive government intervention into the healthcare marketplace, we oppose it. That will likely end the January after you get tired of the other guys and vote us back into power, so we can bring you more fantastic healthcare reform ideas, like Medicare Part D.
- We support market-based energy reforms by opposing cap and trade legislation
Again, Democrats support this, so we have to oppose it. Besides, how will we be able to tax you to pay for our neverending imperialistic engagements under the guise of a global war on terror if your budget is monopolized by pesky things like utilities?
- We support workers’ right to secret ballot by opposing card check
Since unions don’t vote for us, we oppose it. Maybe we can re-brand ACORN and SEIU, ask them to bussing in voters for us on election day, pay them back for their hard work by passing something similar.
- We support legal immigration and assimilation into American society by opposing amnesty for illegal immigrants
While we like how inexpensive restaurant meals and homes are because immigrants are willing to work for lower pay than most Americans, we can’t keep letting the brown people in. Do they think we want to be in Mexico, aside from our annual trip to Cabo? We were born here, so it really isn’t our problem that these people want to enjoy the freedoms we have. If they wanted those freedoms so badly, they should have been born here like all of our great great great great great great great great grandparents were. FACT: No present-day American is the product of immigrants.
- We support victory in Iraq and Afghanistan by supporting military-recommended troop surges
Even though that closet Muslim is further entangling us in our imperialistic aspirations, he didn’t authorize enough soldiers to fight the brown people over in the desert. If he was a real commander-in-chief, he would have just rubber-stamped what the generals requested.
- We support containment of Iran and North Korea, particularly effective action to eliminate their nuclear weapons threat
Even though neither of these countries has enriched uranium beyond what A Southern Company, Duke Energy or Exelon (above 20%) has, we’re banking on the fact that Americans will just go along with us if we continue to fearmonger by demonizing Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and Kim Jong-il. Google those names and see for yourself how crazy those guys look. Obviously, they’re up to something.
- We support retention of the Defense of Marriage Act
Let’s face it. We are trapped in loveless marriages, since we can’t take the scandal a divorce will cause, since our wives will air all of our dirty laundry, so we’ll just make sure all those decorators, hair stylists and P.E. teachers are just as miserable. Besides, remember that one time in Leviticus where the guy that wrote the bible said we shouldn’t get tattoos or eat shellfish? Look past all that stuff we ignore for the verse where it says that homosexuals are against God’s plan. We’ll go with that. Maybe while we’re at it, we can look into making them wear a little symbol that lets us know they are gay. They seem to like rainbows, so we’ll throw them a bone on that, and let them have that as their symbol. Tell Jesse Jackson to find a new name for his group though.
We support protecting the lives of vulnerable persons by opposing health care rationing, denial of health care and government funding of abortion
Since the “it’ll cost too much” argument doesn’t seem to be working and the Constitution’s just a g**d*** piece of paper, we need to scare everybody into opposing healthcare reform. Let’s go back to the well and work on getting the seniors and bible thumpers all riled up.
- We support the right to keep and bear arms by opposing government restrictions on gun ownership
Since we have no idea what that Kenyan guy that won’t show us his birth certificate is going to do next, let’s make sure we can keep our guns.
Don’t worry, I’ll be back making fun of the idiots from “Team D” soon enough.