The Proletariat Uprising Against Evil Corporations

With the economy in a sustained recession, unemployment at or above nine percent for approaching three years, and tens of millions of Americans struggling just to put food on their table, perhaps few people or organizations have been showered with such hostility and ill-repute as have “corporations.” Yet, of all of the root causes of our current economic malaise, such contempt may nowhere be more misplaced.

Obama, after the shellacking his party took in the 2010 elections and with no end in sight to the economic downturn, has turned to finding a scapegoat or two to deflect blame for the anger and frustration America feels. His two favorite targets are Republican “obstructionism” and those evil, faceless corporations that steal from the poor to sate their insatiable greed.

Maybe he has a point though. After all, we all know that Steve Jobs became one of the richest men in the world as the head of Apple by hiring legions on thugs to go out across America to households and college campuses, brandishing guns and clubs and threatening violence if the poor masses did not give these brutes their money in exchange for little pieces of molded plastic and silicon and copper which Jobs called “Macs” and “iPods”, “iPhones” and “iPads”. His reign of terror was so complete that every time Jobs released a new version of these little pieces of plastic, hundreds and thousands of people would camp out overnight at one of his stores to give up their money in exchange for these gadgets, in the hope that by voluntarily doing so his thugs would not show up at their homes, schools and places of businesses and threaten them there.

Some have hailed this monster as a visionary, and entrepreneur and an innovator, but we all know that can’t possibly be so, for he was a CEO, the head of one of the nation’s largest and most (gasp!) profitable corporations, which we all know by now (thanks to President Obama, the Great Defender of the Common Man) are the universal epicenters of evil. Unless, of course, they produce “green” energy, which of course merits our unquestioned praise and adoration.

As bad as Apple is, it pales in comparison to the horrors unleashed by oil companies like Exxon and Chevron. These behemoths plunge their drill bits of death into the earth, extracting the black goo which is the lifeblood of commercialism in today’s world. This oil is refined and turned into things like plastics and gasoline. If we could stop these oil companies once and for all, we could return to the halcyon days before gasoline and cars, where we traveled by horse and carriage. Gone would be those noxious exhaust fumes, and we’d be able to enjoy the subtle fragrance of streets covered in horse manure and urine, with a gentle breeze created by the supple yet fervent beating of the wings of millions of flies preparing to feast. And if we rid ourselves of gasoline then we can sound the death knell for car companies like Ford and GM once and for all. What a glorious day that would be!

Of course, if we rid ourselves of the oil companies we’d have to go back to burning coal and wood to keep warm and generate light, which also creates more carbon emissions, but at least as we inhaled that smoke and soot we could take comfort in knowing that we will not be allowing the oil companies to make a single dime in profit.

Maybe our next target will be chemical companies. Why do we need purified water when our forefathers did just fine without it? So what if the water is filled with millions of tiny, flagellating microorganisms. Why should they die just so we can avoid the occasional bout of diarrhea? Aren’t they part of nature too? This would also end the practice of ripping scars into the earth to lay pipe to carry the water to us. Let us go back to the old ways, where we carried buckets from the rivers and streams when we needed water. To be sure, those pipes carry water both ways, so we’d have to go back to using chamber pots to get rid of our bodily eliminations. Be careful though, you do NOT want to have to clean up that spill!

And don’t even get me started on the pharmaceutical companies; they are among the worst offenders of all. It is their cornucopia of drugs which have drastically extended human life expectancy and led to worldwide overpopulation. If not for these meddling drug companies we’d still have widespread cases of smallpox, malaria and the plague, which is nature’s way of cleansing itself of the infestation of humanity. Without these drugs we’d revert back to the natural order, where disease killed off millions of humans and we died in our fifties (noting an additional salutary effect, we could finally deal with the rising cost of Social Security and Medicare if old people would go back to dying sooner). So we lose out on a little wisdom, and many grandkids never meet their grandparents. That is a worthwhile trade-off, right?

We also need to get rid of the mortgage and financial services companies, so we can go back to living with our parents until we can buy a house outright. No more borrowing from banks or credit unions, no more investments that eventually allow us to have a comfortable retirement; just keep working until you die.

We must join with Comrade President and his faithful legions of Democrat class warriors in banishing once and for all these evil corporations from the face of the earth. It will not be an easy job though. They have grown rich and powerful, and the only way to defeat them is to starve them to death, to drain them of the money obtained from the backs of the poor and downtrodden workers, the great proletariat of which Marx spoke.

So, join me this day in committing to never again aiding these corporations in their works of destruction and oppression. Never again give your money to bureaucrats at some faceless corporation. Never again spend money on their electricity, their gasoline, their canned and packaged foods, their clean water or life-saving drugs. Never again buy their clothing or shoes, and wear only that which you’ve made yourself (after growing and harvesting the cotton…buying fabric is cheating). Never again buy their iPods and iPads and iPhones, their Androids and tablet computers, their MP3 players or their flat-screen televisions. Never again use their Google search engines, their propane or natural gas to heat your home. Never again go to their vacation resorts or movie theaters or restaurants. Never again read their books, stream their internet, play their musical instruments, buy their pens and paper, or live in their homes.

Yet even that is not enough. If you are working for a corporation you are aiding in this work of oppression and evil. You must quit your job today and go back to farming the land for your sustenance. And don’t be fooled; just because the company you work for only employees a dozen or two dozen people, or even less, does not mean that it is not incorporated. So make sure your plumber, your electrician, your mechanic, your doctor, and all others you do business with are not incorporated.

Together, comrades, we can make this world a corporation-free utopia!

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