United Liberty

Look at that. That is meat. Juicy, delectable, delicious, wonderful meat. It is the cornerstone of our existence, the very foundation of our diets (no matter what that silly treehugger food pyramid says. I mean, it’s a pyramid. Clearly it wasn’t intended for Americans.) You get it from animals. It is animals. That tends to make folks like PETA mad (the other PETA, I mean, not the People for the Eating of Tasty Animals.) This is something we just can’t see eye to eye on.

Until now.

See, a great guy named Peter Thiel—he got the very first Alumnus of the Year award from Students for Liberty this year—has decided to invest a ton of money in a new project that will create meat from a 3-D printer:

Billionaire Peter Thiel would like to introduce you to the other, other white meat. The investor’s philanthropic Thiel Foundation’s Breakout Labs is offering up a six-figure grant (between $250,00 and $350,000, though representatives wouldn’t say exactly) to a Missouri-based startup called Modern Meadow that is flipping 3-D bio-printing technology originally aimed at the regenerative medicine market into a means to produce 3-D printed meat.

We’ve seen stuff kind of like this before. The larger idea here is to use cultured cell media to create a meat substitute that will satisfy the natural human desire for animal protein minus the environmental (and ethical) impacts of industrial scale farming. And by using 3-D printing technology, Modern Meadow might even be able to make it look like the real thing, though we’re somewhat skeptical even the best-looking faux fillet is going to stand up to the real deal.

So let me get this straight. This guy is going to invest a gigantic chunk of his personal fortune into a project with a dubious chance of succeeding and seems pretty way out there? Why on Earth would a guy do something so harebrained?

I’ll tell you why. Because capitalism, baby.

Yes, Thiel, thinks he is going to make a profit off of this technology. And why wouldn’t he? This would be one of—scratch that, this will be the greatest invention in the whole history of mankind! Why? I’ll tell you why! Because bacon, that’s why!

Picture this. You’re hungry, so you decide to go to the fridge for bacon. (If anyone is asking me why you would want bacon specifically, read this list, then grab a slab of bacon and come back to me.) But “Oh noes!” There is no bacon in the fridge! This is a most legitimate cause for despair. Throwing yourself off a balcony would be totally understandable. (Dousing yourself in gasoline and lighting yourself on fire would be a bit extreme, though.)

But wait! With this invention, there would be no need! You would just go to a machine, press a button, and presto—instant bacon! There would be no more need for strife and misery! No more need for war! Hell, there probably wouldn’t be a need for welfare, either. Or Nancy Grace.

And did pink commie socialism working to bring you that? Hell no! Did treehugging ecofascist Keynesian labor union progressivism working to bring you that? Hell no! It’s pure, red-blooded American capitalism, the system whereby people by free and voluntary associations think “Hey, maybe if I tried to solve this problem these people are having, maybe I’ll make a ton of cash and they’ll be happier and I’ll be rich!” And that’s exactly what’s happening here: Thiel is solving a problem and will likely get stonking rich for it!

Capitalism! Solving PETA’s (and PETA’s) and animals’ problems for you!

If you seriously think that socialism or progressivism or even communism would do anything as great as this, I want you to look at me with a straight face. Straight as straight can be? Why do I want it to be so straight? Because I’m going to hit it with a 2x4 at Warp Six. A two by four created by capitalists seeking to make a profit by providing a product for other people, and delivered at warp speed by scientists and industrialists who don’t want to be constrained by your puny regulations—even those defining the speed of light!

Ha! See? Even when you try your hardest, capitalism still kicks your butt six ways to Sunday (and throws in the seventh way for free as a “Thank you for being a loyal customer” promotion.)

Folks, things like this are why capitalism is the greatest system on the planet (when done correctly, i.e., without lobbyists.) It delivers prosperity, wonderment, and genuinely makes our lives better. Now can you liberals and conservatives stop cocking it up with your ideas about managing it? Sheesh. Just let us have machines that make artificial bacon. How is that difficult?